I was faking it…

one woman’s search for orgasm

Posts Tagged ‘horny

Plunging the happy hole

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“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
                                                    -line form the movie Annie Hall

My fiancé and I work different hours. Some mornings, as he’s getting ready to head off to his office and I’m still lounging around in my pajamas, he asks me how I’m planning to spend my day. I tell him I’m going to masturbate. It’s a bit of a joke between us because in reality we both know that’s the last thing I’d be doing.

It’s not that I think there’s anything perverted about girls touching themselves—I’ve just never found the act of self-stimulation very stimulating. And I guess, at some point, I just assumed that, like the time I tried ticking the bottoms of my own feet and was unable to induce anything close to an electrifying body-shock, heavy petting is a practice that requires more than one set of hands.

But that was before I’d committed myself to achieving sexual fulfillment through the big ‘O’.

According to Solot and Miller, authors of I Love Female Orgasm,

Masturbation is the fastest and easiest way for many women to have orgasms, and the most common way for a woman to come for the first time. In [their] survey, women who had masturbated were far more likely to be orgasmic (by themselves of with a partner) than women who had never masturbated (88 percent compared to 48 percent) (Source, p.41).

In the words of Seinfeld, in order to orgasm I need first to become the ‘master of my domain.’

Whilst phase one involved a visual exploration of my vulva (see previous post—don’t worry, I didn’t use a magnifying glass), phase two in this journey is all about touch:

You’re goal is to find out what kinds of touch feel best to you, and what places on your body are most sensitive…With each thing you do, just notice the sensations without judging yourself…You may feel very little at first, but pay attention to even the smallest sensations—they’ll grow with practice (Source, 72-74).

Interestingly, what the Solot and Miller are talking about is ‘mindfulness’—an approach to awareness and thus appreciation of life described by writers such as Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now .

When I first read Tolle’s book several years ago, I tried to be more ‘mindful’ of what I was doing while eating, or what I was seeing as I walked down the street (though judging by the number of times I’ve bitten my tongue or tripped over curbs in the past few months I’ve obviously fallen out of practice)—but never did I consider applying that same approach to touching myself.

I decided to start the experiment by running my fingers over parts of my body—my neck, inner thighs, earlobes, the small of my back—that usually explode in shivers under my fiancé’s touch.

It wasn’t unpleasant, especially with the combination of my the warm water shooting down from the nozzle overhead, and the smell of the rich clove-scented soap—but there were definetly no lightening bolts.

Though I bet if someone was in the shower with me…

my usual mode of self-stimulation

my usual mode of self-stimulation

As soon as I started wondering how to improve the experience, the rest of the voices decided to jump in: one was complaining about a cluster of pimples on my upper thigh that I’d never noticed before and another was ordering me to turn off the tap because if I was just going to stand there doing nothing I could at least stop wasting water.

What happened to focusing on the moment? Mindfulness is apparently not something that comes easy to me.

But I wasn’t ready to give up. After all, Solot and Miller suggest a goal of twenty-minutes for each self-pleasuring session and my hands hadn’t even gotten to wrinkly phase yet.

It was time to be a little more daring, and go for the breasts. There is something amazing about nipples—and not just the way the smooth pink skin hardens into fleshy thimbles when stimulated. What makes them special is that, at least in the case of my body, they have a direct link with my clitoris.

If I wake up the pink thimbles, I wake up the clit, which then demands to be touched.

My first impulse, of course, was to obey. However, on this occasion, in the interest of mindfulness, I just let myself experience the throbbing urgency. And when it started to pass, I moved on to my other breast.

By the time I finally allowed my fingers to, as the saying goes, ‘plunge the happy hole’ I am proud to say, that I was wet (and it had nothing to do with the stream of water shooting overhead).

Though I didn’t orgasm, I did take one small step in that direction. And definitely had a good time doing it.

The only real problem, I encountered was that, having worked myself up all I wanted to do at that point was hop back into bed and seduce my fiancé—but I couldn’t.

Funny how after all these years of ‘celibacy’ I finally decided to explore the art of self-arousal while still recovering from a bladder infection.

John or Jane: who’s hornier?

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Do boys really want it more than girls?

Like, duh, of course they do.

At least that was what I would have said if anyone had asked me that question as a teenager and was first beginning to navigate the opposite sex–or should I say, navigate the enemy.

At that time, boys were things that me and my girlfriends had crushes on but never dared get too close, partly because we were too shy to get past the blushing-face phase of the conversation, and partly because of the fear that if we ever wound up alone with one of them, they would morph into an eight-armed-incredible hulk-monstrosity that would consume our fragile bodies whole.

Sure, we were curious about sex, but we weren’t boys.  Boys wanted it so bad they couldn’t be trusted—that was just a fact of life—like chin pimples and math homework.

Thus, it’s not surprising to read the findings of currant ‘scientific’ studies: women have lower libidos than their male partners  and suffer, en masse, from disorders such as FOD. Right?

Naomi Wolf doesn’t seem to think so. In Promiscuities she debunks this ‘fact’, stating that “women have been considered more carnal than men for most of the record of Judeo-Christian history [and] that the belief  women want sex less than men is only over two centuries old” (p.142).

witch_burn1

the only way to tame a woman's libido, old school-style

Girls were the horny ones?  For someone who spent her entire adolescence trying to ward off boys, I found this as quite the shocker when I read this a couple days ago—but not in a bad way. 

“I want to see you wearing nothing but saran wrap,” whispered Steve as I passed by him in my high school corridor.  Steve was a popular but mean boy in my grade.

Though they were only words, it felt like he’d grabbed my butt or slipped his hand up my shirt.  My face turned bright red as I hurried off in the opposite direction.  Sex was something scary to me and he probably knew that.

Looking back on that time in my life, however, I also remember that the idea of sex excited me.

It was around that same time that I discovered The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer,  a fictional account of a young teenage girl’s illicit sexual activities. I spent many nights lying in my bed fantasizing about doing the things that she did, sneaking off to a bar and giving oral sex to a strange guy in the middle of the night. Of course, I never talked to anyone about those thoughts—not even my best friend—because girls weren’t supposed to think that way. That was what boys did.

I wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t been so embarrassed about my emerging sexual desires?  Sure, I’m glad I never ran off to the local Hells Angels bar but I would have liked to have replied back to Steve with a something more than tight lips and down cast eyes.

“Throw in some Cool-whip and I’m there, baby.”

I would have loved to see his reaction at hearing words like those come out of one of the quiet, ‘good’ girl’s mouth.