I was faking it…

one woman’s search for orgasm

Why don’t girls masturbate?

with 6 comments

There is a woman that I see in the lobby of my workplace every morning, waiting for the elevator. She wears special stretchy pants and carries a cane in her right hand to help support her weight.

She is fat.

I don’t know anything about this woman, other than that she works somewhere in the same building as me, and yet I can’t help but make instant judgments about her.

She should take the stairs. She should cut refined sugars out of her diet. She should take aqua fit classes. She should do something about her body because it’s unhealthy and gross and totally out of control.

do you find this as jarring as I do?

sex, lies and diet yogurt?

There is nothing as unifying to the female gender (at least in Western societies) as our obsession with weight.

Even the most micro-thin women I know complain about their figures every once in a while. And then, at the other end of the spectrum, there are the thousands of women like me, who have spent years being literally obsessed with food and exercise.

We women spend a lot of time and energy focused on controlling our bodies–and I wonder why I’ve never experiment with masturbation till now?

According to sex educators Solot and Miller, the most frequently asked question that women pose to them in discussions around the use of vibrators as self-pleasuring tools, is “Can I get addicted?”(source, 174).

I almost laughed the first time I read that, imagining a business woman with blond highlights and a power suit huddled next to a dumpster in a downtown alley with a vibrator between her legs.

It’s not crack cocaine, for god’s sake, it’s just a vibrator—what are those women so afraid of?

How about you, Jaquie, what are you afraid of?

The grin dropped off my face pretty fast when I realized that I’m no different than the rest of the vibrator-phobes: for the past three years my boyfriend has been suggesting that I get a vibrator, and for the past three years I’ve been resisting doing so. I always told myself that it was because I was interested in the electronic stimulation, I wanted to do things naturally, but now I think it was fear that was stopping me.

When I was in grade ten, a friend, Michelle, and I spotted a man sitting on the hood of a blue Honda in our school parking lot. One hand was hidden beneath a blanket and his body was vibrating.

“Oh my god! He’s jacking off!” said Michelle—we instantly broke out screams and ran for the gym entrance door. Later on that afternoon, hanging out next Michelle’s locker, we curled up our lips in disgust and named him the ‘car perv’.

That was my first impression of masturbation. And as Head and Shoulder’s likes to remind us, you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Though female masturbation has since my adolescent days finally made its way into popular culture, through shows like Sex and the City, back then, the practice was framed as something that only boys and dirty old men did, and as a result there has always been a part of me afraid that if I started masturbating I would lose control over my body and turn into the ‘Car Perv’. I resisted urges to explore and touch myself when I was in my teen-years and so I suppose it’s not surprising that at the age of thirty I’ve never orgasmed.

Though I eventually get past my eating disorder, I still today find myself analyzing and judging how I look and how other women look, and I still feel a tinge of embarrassment telling my boyfriend that I ‘tried out’ the vibrator while he was out.

I wonder, if I might have a different, more compassionate and confident view of the female body if, back during those early years, I focused on enjoying and exploring my body instead of trying to control it.

A fat body is, after all, just one expression of the female form, just as whacking off on top of a car is just one expression of sexuality.


6 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Tough thing to actually think about or answer…

    I don’t think there is anyone in the world that is truly comfortable with their sexuality. Most people that “claim” to be truly comfortable are actually reckless, which can actually make an intelligent person think they are compsensating and trying to hide their insecurities.

    To each their own…

    My sister almost died from her eating disorder and growing up with her is part of what sparked my interest in sexology. She didn’t try to control her body and has entered into extremelly destructive relationships throughout her whole life. I guess it is possible that this is caused by her habbits from her eating disorder, which means that you may be right, you may have controlled yourself to much.

    I think I told you before… you need to just let go.

    Pardon what I am about to say…

    You need to just say “FUCK IT, I’m going to fuck myself!”

    Masturbate for you and ONLY you. If you want it slow, give it to yourself slow. If you want it so hard that it is borderline violent then fuck yourself violently. It is your body… I think you need to stop analyzing so much and really focus on “what you want” and “what makes you wet.” If you need to moan then moan, if you need to scream then scream even if others can hear.

    No need to worry about past thoughts or experiences… live in the here and now… take what happened in your past, learn what you need to and go forward.

    Don’t try to be a sexual woman because a truly sexual woman isn’t really a typical woman during sex. Allow yourself to let loose, be the animal that you are… have your screaming orgasms and then when that is done… become the woman you need to be again.


    February 7, 2009 at 1:51 am

  2. Wow. That’s all I gotta say to that.


    February 7, 2009 at 1:55 am

  3. Sorry if it sounded messed up… that isn’t the way I wanted it to sound.

    Sex is about “letting go”. I think you’ll find that the majority of women that actually do orgasm are very sexual in nature. This is confirmed by the fact that most modern research projects claim that “women prevent themselves from orgasming” and that “males aren’t normally responsible for a woman’s inability to orgasm.”

    I’m just trying to say… Let your hair down… Let the animal out of the cage… or however else you want to say it 🙂


    February 7, 2009 at 3:56 am

  4. Ha, and most people can’t orgasm if they’re thinking about the size of their ass or wondering if those science dudes at Cern are going to create an apocalyptic black hole in their search for the Higgs boson.

    Women who worry about how they look (be this in a physical, aesthetic sense, or in a moral one, eg. am I slut?) have trouble visualising themselves as a sexual protagonist (and I wish to highlight this word – protagonist) who owns, without question, her own sexuality and will not be judged for it.

    (and men who aren’t douchebags are always excited by women as protagonists, who have a firm stake in what goes on between the sheets!)


    February 7, 2009 at 8:59 pm

  5. I’m really starting to like you Hoorah…

    “(and men who aren’t douchebags are always excited by women as protagonists, who have a firm stake in what goes on between the sheets!)”

    WOmen that can take control between the sheets are amazing.


    February 8, 2009 at 1:16 am

  6. I like the sound of that!


    February 9, 2009 at 12:57 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: