I was faking it…

one woman’s search for orgasm

taking myself for a test drive

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Masturbation is a way for all of us to learn about sexual response. It’s an opportunity to explore our bodies and minds for all those sexual secrets we’ve been taught to hide, even from ourselves.
Betty Dodson, Sex for One: the joy of self loving

So far as machines go, my vibrator looks as basic as they come (no pun intended).  I don’t need to load any programs, or plug in any cords, and there’s only one button: the on/off switch.

complicated

complicated

Naturally, I figured that learning to operate it would be easy—right?

My clitoris, which continued to twitch like a post-marathon quadriceps, for about an hour after my orientation’ session, however would probably disagree. 

Masturbating to orgasm, no matter how user-friendly your tools look, is not easy.

According to Betty Dodson, author of Sex for One: the joy of self-loving,  “Sexual skills are like any other skills; they’re not magically inherited, they have to be learned” (source, 4).

From my past few weeks of reading up on female orgasm, and doing some preliminary ‘field work’ in the area, I had learned enough to know that if I wanted to explore the full potential of my first vibrator, I’d need to take it slowly  (a month ago, on the other hand, I probably would have shoved the thing into my privates, felt no pleasure and confirmed my belief that I am incapable of orgasm).

I found a comfortable spot to lie down on my bed and started to gently rub myself in the places that I know (see previous post) feel good.  When the familiar throbbing sensations began pulsing from my pleasure zone, I flipped the switch and well, then I shoved it in.

When I was 12 years old, I tried to learn the clarinet.  Though an aesthetically beautiful instrument, with its long polished trunk and gentle curves, the sounds my clarinet made during those early practice session sounded like a combination of a circus elephant stampeding the crowd and a classroom full of primary students dragging their fingers against the chalkboard.

Not complicated

Not complicated

The sensations that rippled through my body next reminded me a lot of those shrill clarinet honks, mixed with a wonderful undercurrent velvety bliss.

It was pleasure and pain at the same time—and something I’d never known my body could do.

However, despite those similarities, there is, I quickly discovered, a big difference between learning to play the clarinet and learning to play my vibrator: consistency. With the clarinet, the sounds I made were consistently loud (and bad). With the vibrator, I never knew what was coming next.

Sometimes the volume blasted to full and I’d feel like I never wanted to do anything but lie in my bed with my little battery-operated friend, and then all of a sudden it would mute out entirely and I’d find myself checking the time on the digital clock on my bedside table to see how much time had passed.  At this point, I’d usually remember that I was supposed to be focusing on the ‘moment’, feel a wave of frustration, get angry because nothing was happening and then crank up the little round dial at the bottom of the handle to send another blast across my genitals.

It was a cycle that looked and felt nothing like the gentle, measured touch that sex therapists claim is the ‘secret’ to nurturing sexual climax in women.  Bascially, my masturbation session lacked anything resembling ‘control’.

So, I didn’t orgasm, nor did I master the vibrator, or master my clitoris.

But then, I didn’t learn to play a decent ‘c’ note the first time I picked up a clarinet either.

So, as they say, practice makes perfect–now all I need is some rechargeable batteries.

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