I was faking it…

one woman’s search for orgasm

Have I ever what-gasmed?

with 5 comments

I have a friend, Laura, who I’ve known since we were 12. Laura is a intelligent woman who never appeared to struggle with school work, however at some point during our shared journeys from elementary to high school she decided that she wasn’t smart enough to go to university. I don’t know how or why she came to this conclusion, but when myself and the rest of our friends shot off for various universities, she got a job in retail and never really left it.

Of course, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this career choice, if that’s what makes you happy, but I know, from the whistful expression that appears on her face whenever the topic comes up that there’s a part of Laura that would love to get a post-secondary education.

the extent of my sex-edification

the extent of my sex-edification

Unfortunately, no matter how many times I’ve told her that half the people sleep right through lecture and if they can still manage to succeed in ‘higher learning’ than so can she–she refuses to listen.

I’ve never been able to understand why Laura just doesn’t try it—enroll in just one class, instead of giving up before she’s even started—until I realized that is exactly what I’ve been doing for the thirty years. Only for me, the problem isn’t academics: it’s sex.

I took me several years of being ‘sexual active’ before I realized that I’d never had an orgasm. After all, for a first timer, just being naked in a bed with a man was exciting enough in itself—ohmygod he’s putting his fingers in there–so that I never wondered if I was missing out on anything. 

And even if I had, it wasn’t like I would have had the confidence to do anything abou: there is no time during life when communication is more awkward and uncomfortable (including funerals and underwater diving) than during novice sex. In fact, the very first time I had intercourse I was too shy to ask my boyfriend if he was wearing a condom—which he assumed meant I was on the pill. I wasn’t, and nether was he.

It wasn’t until I was in my first long term relationship that I actually became comfortable enough to talk about sex, and what I did and didn’t like—with my girlfriends (I was still years away from the guide-his-hand stage).

It was talking to friends like Laura, who was giving hand jobs to her boyfriend and fellow barista behind the counter by this point, that I first heard about ‘female orgasms’ and realized I’d never had one. As enjoyable as sex had been up till that point, I’d certainly never experienced ‘the earth moving’ or a ‘millions stars bursting across my pelvis’. What a rip-off!

So, I did what I was always did when something happened that seemed unfair: nothing.

Based on Laura’s stories, I assumed that, like my inability to whistle and turn my tongue into a U-shape, I just wasn’t genetically able to do ‘come’. And I never tried. That was about eight years ago.

However, last night, I picked up a book called I Love/Heart Female Orgasms. According to the books authors, Marshall Miller and Dorian Solot, I gave up way too easily.

While many studies have found that 5-10% of women have never had an orgasm, this statistic is misleading. Many of these women are young and haven’t learned how to orgasm yet…The percentage of women who would like to have an orgasm but are truly physically unable to is minuscule. Statistically speaking, it’s unlikely that you’re one of them (source, 66).

Ohmygod! I’m not broken! And ohmygod think of all the time and possible ecstasy that’s gone to waste because I was too timid and lazy to experiment with clitoral rubbing or nipple massage or any of the other techniques the authors suggest (but that’s for my next post).

Fortunately, it’s not too late: I’m thirty and this time, unlike that phase several years ago when I was determined to learn how to whistle—I’m going to make it happen.

And if Laura ever changes her mind and decides to take a chance, just think of all the fun she’ll have with those twenty-two year-old freshman.


5 Responses

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  1. I’m kind of confused… you didn’t know that nearly all orgasms women experience are clitoral?

    According to research, g-spot and cervical orgasms are extremely rare. Normally when a woman orgasms from penetration it is the vulva moving from the penis going in and out and eventually causes an orgasm just as if you were rubbing your clitoris with your own fingers.

    There are TONS of books out there that focus on teaching women how to orgasm or teach a woman to repair her libido and orgasmic abilities.


    January 31, 2009 at 4:07 am

  2. Before I forget, you can’t always trust everything you read or hear people say. I read and was told that a woman ejaculating with a toy or penis in her was extremely rare/impossible.

    After 4 months of trying I finally gtot my fiance to ejaculate… and it only happens when a toy or my fist is in her. If it is my penis… she won’t ejaculate and if I pull the toy out or my fist out she won’t ejaculate.

    The reason I couldn’t get her to squirt was because I was strictly using the tehcniques that I was reading in books. Once I “tried my own thing” I was able to make her ejaculate easily.


    January 31, 2009 at 4:10 am

  3. I wouldn’t know the first thing about fisting or female ejaculation (ha ha! sorry, I can’t help but giggle) but I reckon that sometimes it’s definitely worth it for a lady to have a nice hot bubble bath, a glass of nice wine, and an early night in with herself, if you see what I mean, even if it doesn’t end in orgasm. No pressure, no rules, no one’s going to shout at you for doing it wrong or whatever!


    January 31, 2009 at 6:12 pm

  4. thanks for inside advice Hackett. But yes, in my case, it wasn’t until I picked up a book on the subject of orgasms a couple weeks ago that I even realized there were different kinds of orgasms–in my early twenties I didn’t even realize there was such a thing as orgasms–at least not beyond a foggy awarness of them…sad, i know.


    January 31, 2009 at 9:27 pm

  5. Super good advice hoorah–though i sure your lovers don’t shout at you if you get it wrong when they’re involved…ha ha. kidding.


    January 31, 2009 at 9:28 pm

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