I was faking it…

one woman’s search for orgasm

Am I dysfunctional? The origins of the orgasm

with 2 comments

Who is the unorgasmic woman—and by extension me?

According to evolutionary theorists I’m not just dysfunctional, I’m the female equivalent of Brendan Fraser in Encino man.

In a word: un-evolved.

Theory one:

Back in the early, pre-alter and matching towel set days, man and woman needed biological ‘incentives’ to cement their love bond—especially since the Mr. would be off ‘hunting’ with his buddies for long stretched at a time. The female orgasm was supposedly one such ‘incentive’: in addition to a month of pterodactyl roasts, the stay-at-cave-mom could look forward to the pleasures of orgasmic intercourse. Thus, the female orgasm prevented her from wandering off with the milk man as well as her absent lover’s kin and in the great scheme of things helped ensure the reproduction of the human race.

Okay, so Desmond Morris, a field ethologist and major proponent of this adaptation theory doesn’t describe it in these words exactly, but that’s the basic gist of it.

Accordingly, I as a woman who doesn’t’ appear to posses this evolutionary adaptation, am more likely to ditch my man and compromise the health and well being of my yet unborn and un-conceived children, making me both a whore and a bad mother.


Theory two:

Remember how we learned in grade 7 that jumping up and down after sex would prevent pregnancy—and then relearned in grade 10 that it wasn’t true? Well apparently we were right the first time, according to another female orgasm theory. This one, which also happened to be supported by Mr. Morris, hypothesized that the post-orgasm sense of relaxation encourages women to remain in a horizontal position and thus improves their chance of getting pregnant (the sperm won’t leak out) which also in the great scheme of things thus, helped ensure the reproduction of the human race.


 Thankfully, now that I’ve re-learned this basic principle of female reproduction I’ll be sure to remain lying in bed rather than perform my usual-post-sex-aerobic routine when the time comes that I actually want to get pregnant. However, it is a little discerning to think that my fertility might have otherwise been compromised due to my orgasm deficiency. Dysfunctional, indeed!

Fortunately, according to Elisabeth Lloyd in The Case of the Female Orgasm, women like me aren’t as genetically-un-evolved as these theories would make us out to be, which is good because I just spent over two hundred bucks on wedding invitations so I really hope I’m capable of a monogamous relationship with or without an orgasm to keep me there.

Lloyd cites two big holes in the theories, the biggest of which is the fact that, generally speaking, most women don’t regularly orgasm as a result of what she calls ‘unassisted intercourse’—i.e. no tongues or fingers.  Thus the basic premise of the female orgasm as bondage and fertility enhancing is as flawed as a ventilated condom.

Without going into a detailed description of the sperm retention, Lloyd also disbars the theory of orgasm as fertility enhancing by pointing out the fact that most post-orgasmic women are actually alert and energized rather than sleepy—thus women are just as likely to start jumping up and down on the bed as lie down on it.

So, what, according to Lloyd is a more likely explanation for origins of the female orgasm and what does that say about me? Developmental By-products.

I know, it sounds ugly—like the Velveeta cheese of the petroleum industry, but actually Lloyd’s description is intriguing.

cheeseThe basic premise here is that all fetuses have the same building blocks for the production of sexual organs. The ones that don’t get made into penises turn into clitorises. Thus, the two organs are fundamentally wired and made up the same way—orgasms and all.

In doing so, this  account reframes the discussion entirely, so that instead of looking for ways the vagina ‘compliments’ the design of the penis, it is named as it’s own creature, an organ with the same potential as the male version but with a different mode of operation.  

Which means just because I haven’t achieved orgasm through my sex life up to date, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me, and that I am, by extension, genetically programmed to be a bad woman.  Rather, I just haven’t yet fully explored the unique and subtle ways of my sexual design.

And lucky for me, I have a few manuals arriving in the mail to help me out with that…


2 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. You’re actually a very good writer… I’ve only read two things that you have written but they flow very nicely.

    Female Ejaculation & The G-Spot and “O” The Intimate History of the Orgasm are two very good books.

    I don’t recall ever reading anything to indicate “orgasms” can increase or decrease the chance of getting pregnant. Maybe I am mis-reading what you wrote though.. getting a little late for me lol.


    January 19, 2009 at 4:40 am

  2. Thanks for the compliment.

    Yes, believe it or not there are ‘scientific theories’ on this–one is referred to as ‘sperm competition’ and the other the ‘anti-gravity’ in Elisabeth Lloyds book, The case of the female orgasm.


    January 19, 2009 at 6:12 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: